Some stories about women (but not only...)


So the other day, my friends and I went to this "Gentlemans' Club." One of my buddies wanted to impress us, so he pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt. Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek.
Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute.....then the banker in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and went home.


Five reasons to believe computers are female:

  1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
  2. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory.
  3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else.
  4. The message "bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know what is wrong, then I'm not going to tell you."
  5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Five reasons to believe computers are male

  1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
  2. A better model is right around the corner.
  3. They look attractive - until you take them home.
  4. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
  5. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.


A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray.
He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."


NUDIST COLONIES

Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony?
The guy who can carry two coffees and twelve donuts.

Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony?
The woman who can eat the last donut.

How can you tell a blind man at a nudist colony?
It's not hard...


A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?"

"Why, yes," she said.

"I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."


It's a Man's Perspective

Chemical Analysis of a Woman
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SYSTEM-MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET...
WOMEN: A Chemical Analysis
ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: Wo
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 118 lbs., but known to vary from 75 to 550 lbs.
OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities throughout the world

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered with a painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning, and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with one another.


Tom, Dick and Harry died, all three went to heaven. They were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter and all three were asked the same question: "Were you faithful to your wives?"
Tom stepped forward with head bowed low and stated he had had affairs with ten different women during twenty years of marriage. St. Peter's response was: "We know that and it is in the book but since you were honest we will give you a VolksWagen Beetle to drive so everyone can see your infidelities.". Tom stepped back in line.
Next Dick stepped forward, his head bowed low and stated that he had had affairs with five different women during twenty years of marriage. St. Peter's same response was: "Yes, it is in the book. You will drive that rusty Chevrolet so that all can see your infidelities.". Dick stepped back in line.
Harry stepped forward, HEAD HELD HIGH, and stated out: "Of twenty years of marriage I never even looked at another woman. I was totally faithful.". St. Peter's response was the same: "Yes, it is in the book. You shall be rewarded by driving this Rolls Royce Silvercloud as a sign of your faithfulness.". All were dismissed to live in Heaven.
Later, Tom and Dick saw Harry parked on the side of the road with his head down and crying.
"What's the matter?", asked Tom. "I just saw my wife" answered Harry. "Well that must be great, just think she is up here with us", said Dick. Harry looked at them with dismay and said: "SHE WAS ON ROLLER SKATES!!!!!!!!!!!".


A fellow in a gay bar had to go to the restroom. While he was standing at the urinal doing his business, he notice the man standing at the next urinal had a nicotine patch on his penis.
After a few moments, he says to the guy, "I see you are wearing a NicoDerm patch on your penis. Does it work?" The other guy says, "Yup, I'm down to 2 butts a day now!"


A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting: "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!".

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows: "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!". Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof: "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!".

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sits the picture in the middle and the table erupts.

Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting: "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!". The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster.

When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes: "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in: "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!".


An engineering student was walking on campus one day when another engineering student rode up on a shiny new bicycle.

"Where did you get such a nice bike?" asked the first.

The second engineer replied "Well, yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want!'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."